Memorial Day Weekend is the unofficial kickoff to summer. For even the most “professional” of drinkers, this weekend can be a rude awakening for the season of festival day drinking and week long benders that lie ahead in the coming months. This unsolicited and unwarranted punishment for just trying to be a social fucking person is known as a hangover. Here is a list compiled from extensive personal experience, about the kinds of hangovers you may be experiencing this morning. Don’t fret, we do not judge here. This is a safe space.
Total Blackout Hangover
A blackout is a phenomenon caused by the intake of an alcoholic beverage or other substance in which long term memory creation is impaired or there is a complete inability to recall the past few hours or possibly days of your life. When it comes to hang overs these are the ones that you wake up from with no recollections of where you are or how you got there. Its probably best you don’t remember what happened anyways. Just put on your big kid pants and delude yourself in thinking that this is just a speed bump and you’re doing a great go at life right now.
The Ticking-Time-Bomb Hangover
The time bomb hangover is when you you wake feeling pretty good but as you go about your day you suddenly explode. Sometimes out of one end and sometimes out of both ends. In either case its not a pretty experience and your day is ruined.
The Apocalypse Hangover
The apocalypse hangover is when you, more than likely, have alcohol poisoning and should go to the hospital. You probably won’t though. If you decide to tough this one out you will wonder if you are going to make it through, because death might seem like a better option.
The Look Alive At Work Hangover
The look alive at work hangover is when you wake up feeling like total crap but you can’t afford to miss work so you do everything you can to appear fine. You brush your hair, use eyedrops and brush your teeth. You then sit at your desk and pretend to be busy all day while you recover.
The Still Drunk Hangover
The still drunk hangover is when you wake up feeling like crap but you are still drunk. You can’t seem to walk straight and aren’t very coordinated. To passersby you probably resemble a stumbling gazelle prancing about in sunglasses. This is the most dangerous hangover that gets people DUIs because they think they just have a hangover but in fact they are still intoxicated.
The Miracle Morning After
The miracle morning after is when you drink so much that you just know the next day is going to be pure hell, but when you wake up you feel fine. This is very rare and only happens two, maybe three times in a persons lifetime. Do not take these for granted, savor them. Sponsor a child in a third-world country, buy a homeless person lunch, adopt a puppy, there are a plethora of options. Maybe strike the last one though? With your lifestyle you shouldn’t really be in charge of keeping anything alive.
The Just Fire Me, I Don’t Care Hangover.
This is when you call in sick then just sit there feeling like death for the day. Doing this can cost you your job, but you don’t care. You have for the time being given up on life. You probably won’t move from the spot you were in when you made the call for the entire day. You may even find yourself having bouts of intensely emotional tear filled moments caused by looking at your life choices thus far, followed by unsuccessful attempts of psyching yourself up. This pattern of turmoil can last up to 4 hours.